The essence of life as I know it: you work hard, you get what you deserve.
All that is true, that is, until you realize that sometimes you just don’t get what you deserve no matter how hard you work. When that clear truth is hitting you straight in the face, pounding at the brain and disintegrating the mind, that is when you lose hope. When you lose hope, oh boy, that’s when things get interesting. And by interesting, I mean that’s when things start to fall apart and a series of unfortunate events occur.
Let’s first take it back to the days when grades meant everything to me, competition with other top students were a favourite past-time, and that inner fire burns furiously to power my endless ambitions. All that was gone when I first entered university. I wasn’t too sure if it was the lack of parental guidance, or the difference in the course load, or just the mere realization that some people will always be better than you, I began to lose that inner spark. That inner spark became a flicker when I reached second year when I tried really hard, I tried really, really hard but the results came nothing close to the perfection I was aiming for. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this. Maybe school isn’t my forte, maybe all this time, what I thought I was really good at, was only a trick for me to succumb to societal pressures and the endless misery of disappointment. Year after year, I get disappointed at myself, for not trying hard enough, for not trying nearly as much as others, and evidently, for not trying at all. Dispiritedness often ensued. It really heightens the onus. The onus that without the good marks, you won’t get a good job or get into graduate school. So what is of the use of this education then? I often try to motivate myself to try harder next time, start studying earlier, get the big picture. Does it really happen though? Of course not. At least I know I can be honest to myself. People often try to coach me or motivate me but in the end, it really depends on myself, the confidence I have in myself to succeed. But when you even lack that, what can you really do? Then the following questions come up: What am I really doing here? Should I even continue on? I don’t deserve to be here. What is my purpose in life. If the subject does not capture my whole attention, what is the purpose of me learning it? The list goes on.
My life goes on, hanging on a trickle of optimism.